Yes, I’m Jaded.
“Yes, I'm hurting, yes, I'm jaded”
Congratulations, you made it to the last week of June 2020, I’m proud of you. I mean it – this has been a year full of challenges for everyone – we’ve lost more than 43,000 people to COVID 19 in the U.K. alone leaving some people to mourn the loss of friends, mothers, fathers, siblings and partners. The very fact we survived a pandemic is something we should be proud of right… right? So why don’t I find myself feeling anything? It was supposed to be a return to normalcy, the streets were supposed to be playing ‘Return of the Mack’ and I thought I would be at a rooftop bar with spiced rum in one hand doing my best rendition of Burna Boys’s ‘Ye’. That’s how I pictured lockdown ending. That’s how I wanted it to end but that was all in the beginning – back when I didn’t know what I know now.
Breonna Taylor. George Floyd. Belly Mujinga. Oluwatoyin Salau. Ahmaud Arbery. Elijah McClain. The countless others. All victims of tragic events that have led to greater unity, empathy and organisation but most potently pain, grief, fear and anger. We’ve all felt it in real-time, reading, watching and hearing how each of their lives were cut short by injustice. I think we’ve all been motivated by these events to be a part of this movement for change, whether it is having ‘difficult’ conversations with friends and family or challenging the corporations we are a part of to do more to support the cause.
“Think my soul has been marked, there's a hole in my heart”
None of it has been easy, but it’s been necessary. Creating an environment where these tragedies do not go unpunished has been on my mind for the last few weeks, it’s consumed me – as it should, but then what about the other injustices in the world? When I’m already emotionally invested in one cause, does it make me a moustache-twirling villain when I feel jaded hearing about other injustices? When I hear of yet another tragic story? When I’m told about the crisis in Yemen? At what point does news no longer motivate change but rather an acceptance. International donors pledged about $1.35 billion in humanitarian aid to help with the Yemen crisis, a BILLION short of what is needed. In situations as dire as Yemen, what good will come from my compassion? What good would come from my grief? Wouldn’t it be more valuable to just get the extra billion dollars from the ‘elite’ rather than liking images, sharing it on my IG and retweeting it on the timeline? Don’t shoot – it’s just food for thought.
“Look, the new me is really still the real me”
Can I make a confession? There’s a part of me that misses the pre lockdown version of myself. “Ignorance is bliss” as they say and I finally understand what they meant but with that said the pre lockdown version of myself would never have made the moves that I’m making now to push for positive change. Not because of integrity, or even mindset but because of the lack of drive I had for the cause. I admit it! I was sleepwalking through life. The years of indifference to politics, racism and sexism had me in a trance-like state that meant as long as me and mine were good, nothing else mattered. Remember that scene in The Matrix (showing my old age here), you know the one – where Neo is given the choice between the red pill and the blue pill. The Red Pill is the option to see the true madness that is going on around the world and the Blue Pill was essentially to continue enjoying the benefits of being ignorant. Safe to say I was popping those blue pills like skittles. That’s no longer the case. I’m not a full-fledged social justice warrior and I still pull a confused face when I’m told I’m a part of the patriarchy, but the thought of influencing change is now at the forefront of my mind daily.
“I'm exhausted and drained, I can't even pretend”
Yes, I will get jaded, in fact, I’m feeling jaded right now and that means that sometimes I won’t share the latest tragic incident on Instagram or engage in debates in comment sections or on the timeline. But in those moments where I appear to be silent I’ll be charging my emotional batteries, listening and learning from the Akalas, George The Poets, Akua Hirschs and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichies of the world.
“Still I rise, Maya Angelou vibes”
I still shout “KOBE!” whenever I’m throwing something in the bin - as I said, it’s been a tough year. That’s why I’m proud of you, proud of us! This year will be one for the history books, it’s been challenging in every way possible but you’re still standing. So to those pounding their chest, ready for more of what 2020 has to offer please lead the way. I’ll be right behind you every step of the way, supporting every opportunity to push for positive change in the world whether it’s London, Minnesota or Yemen – just be patient with me, keep inspiring me – we can’t all afford to be jaded.
By Melly
“If you are emotionally drained, you cannot give. Replenish yourself. A hallow cloud produces no rain and the Earth dies of thirst”
